Let's Start At The Very Beginning...

A very good place to start! ...So Julie Andrew insists, but right now my brain is somersaulting all over the place at the sheer the thought of it. Yes I said somersaulting. My brain is quite the acrobat at the most inconvenient of times. Don't even get me started about it's odd behavior. We'll certainly save some of my cringe filled stories for another post. But right now I'm going to stick with trying to work out where to start with this here blog of mine.

Where do I start?

Where do I start?

I might as well ask myself a third time just incase there's a puff of smoke and out through the cloudy haze will walk Ellen Degeneres. Who'll hand me a book, a one of it's kind, extraordinary and ridiculously priceless book, titled 'Introducing yourself to lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transvestites and other stories' that just so happens to have been written by Angelina Jolie.

Angelina of whom, if you didn't know, other than being one half of a hunky Hollywood couple and working towards a world record attempt of having one baby from each continent; is actually the Ultimate Lesbian Heroine according to The Telegraph (that was news to me too!).

If I'm going to take imaginary advice off of anyone I want it to come from a valid and reliable source and as Ellen is the one handing me this informative book of wonderstuff I can only imagine she too has learnt invaluable advice from the ULH that be The Jolie. I can even see it now, E to the De Gen will bust out the robot, send me a cheeky wink, and before she performs her spin-and-vanish-like-a-magic-motherfucking-lesbian-god trick says 'Soon you too will have a wife just like mine!'

WHERE DO I START?


I'm guessing the empty silent moment that just followed that question means that she's not coming. I'm not going to lie I'm disappointed. Who wouldn't want to know how to get a hot wife? Jeez. Third time's a charm my ass.

Ok so if those two aren't going to help me out I'm going to have to go all Tom Jones on me and just help myself. I don't want to bore you with the details, we've all got at least one friend that does that! So I'll quickly summarize everything now and we can piece me together as we go. A little like lego instructions, a little like shut up and get on with it!

1. I had originally intended to write this blog to help others and myself with the whole coming out process.
2. But I came out too soon.
3. Not to be confused with 'I came too soon'.
4. I'm not one for premature ejaculation!
5. Let's just say that life happened. You can't plan moments like that. No matter how many times you try! ...I'm talking about the coming out and not the ejaculation. Just to make that clear.
6. It's all very fresh, as in I only informed the 'rents in November.
7. I still have to tell my siblings.
8. I still have friends that should know.
9. I still have little issues to work out.
10. And I'm still god awful at being that sexy motherfucker of a lesbian that we all dream to be.
11. I blame it on my spontaneous somersaulting brain.
12. Secretly I know (in the words of Eminem) it's just the way I am!
13. So to conclude I still have quite a way to go.
14. Therefore the show goes on and here I am.
15. Prepare yourself for some brutal honesty...
16. ...some embarrassing confessions...
17. ...perhaps a few guest appearances...
18. ...maybe even some buy-one-get-one-free vouchers at Target!
19. Yeah right.
20. I'm a lesbian not a miracle internet discount diva.

And there we have it. I hope you have a better idea of where I'm going with this. No? Well me either. Where the frick is the big E to the double L E N, when you need her?!

Here's to hot wives, perfectly timed ejaculation, and a future with queer orientated commercials at Super Bowl.

Happy Sunday.

Do-Re-Mi!

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