At Last...

Sung Etta James and now I too am singing those same two words. Unfortunately my voice isn't a silky smooth soulbox like that of the marvelous Etta James. If it was, you'd have been sure to have found me on YouTube already and would most probably have shared one of my beautiful ballads on your girlfriends facebook wall in attempt to make up for forgetting about your 7 month anniversary. Who needs to celebrate 7 months anyway? I feel you girl. But, as much as I'd like to be, I am not that silky smooth soulbox that be Etta James, you are yet to find me on YouTube and I'm not on your girlfriends wall (...just yet!). Truth has it that I'm actually pretty talentless when it comes to singing. Strangely however, and much to the disadvantage of those in the vicinity, I love to try. 

But before I start getting distracted by that guilty pleasure that be online Karaoke and before I begin telling you any more random ridiculous facts about myself; I'm going to reign in my imagination, if only for this post, and stick to the point. As you can see I'm a fool for distraction. I'm a fool for other things too such as chocolate, whores and straight girls. All very much the same thing. But distraction is one of many reasons why this blog has taken so long to get started.

I had been meaning to start this opening post many moons ago. I have had a billion ideas of topics to write about. Some that will feature and some that have been lost in the depths of the past. My memory, like my singing voice, is not a  particularly strong point. I blame it on an open bar when I was on a girlie holiday at the tender age of 17. For some reason open bar to me means try and kill your liver as quickly as possible. So you can imagine the state I was in after nine sex-on-the-beach' in less than an hour. Needless to say I was a cocktail slut. The liquor raped my internal organs in a similar way that I would to Megan Fox if she were to knock on my door asking whether I'd buy some homemade cookies. What can I say?... I like cookies! Long story short I was a passed out, vomit dribbling, dirt bag before midnight struck. Not a good look. Not a good look at all. But I was young. I was carefree. Oh who am I kidding. I'd do it all again if it wasn't for my gag reflex at the smell alone of that lethal lethal concoction.

Where was I? Oh yes. Distraction. See it's not easy being me. One straight girl batting her lashes and wammy, "gone fishing". So you get it. You should of by now. I get distracted and yes, as mentioned, it is one of many reasons I have started this blog o mine as late as this. Another key reason for it's belatedness was because I couldn't decide whether to vlog or blog. Hmm quite the conundrum. Decisiveness like both my voice and memory is not one of my fortes. If life has taught me anything so far it's that when things get a little blurred it's worth making a pros and cons list to see clearly again. I mean sure there have been other valuable lessons learnt such as don't ask strippers for change and avoiding unhygienic eateries equals avoiding a bout of the shits. But a Pros and Cons list is a blessing for an indecisive retard like myself, a little like a magic 8 ball without the element of surprise. Jesus come to think of it why didn't I use my magic 8 ball. You Penis. (Ignore my self-cussing. I'd like to say it is involuntary if it meant making me look any less of a nerd, unless you dig nerds? Because if so I'm a motherfucking penis cake. Call me already?!) So upon deciding whether to jump into the limelight with my very own spotlight and myself as a highlight. I had to weigh it all up. (I could have simply shaken the 8 ball but no I went and drew a frickin' mental list didn't I.) It went as follows...

The pros: as research suggests having a successful vlog means there's a chance it'd make you a hit with the chicks. 

The cons: knowing my luck I'd end up with a half ton lunatic from Idaho. 

I quickly came to the conclusion that a simple blog would be sufficient for me to share enough of myself to the world (wide web). My words alone are going to have to carry me forward for now. But don't underestimate me ladies. I'll still attempt to blow your minds when and wherever possible, armed with a laptop and a mission to thrill. Make no mistake. And I shall save my fifteen minutes for another day. In fact I do believe my camera will remain switched off until I get to that exciting stage in my career where I'll need to make an awesome sex video with Drew Barrymore and Kristen Stewart that will happen to get "leaked". Oh the shame.

So blog it is.

And here I am. 

I'd like to welcome you to my world. A world that can only be described as a queer mess of confused love fueled by chocolate, ladies, and laughter. I'll introduce you to most of me. Gradually. I'm a lot to handle all at once, a little like my future fat girlfriend from Idaho, a little like a complicated crazy British girl! I'm glad we've made it this far together, you're starting to become my longest relationship yet. I'm a commitment freak so I'll pretend I didn't just say that. But stick with me on this one. I'm thinking it will be quite the adventure.

There I've said it. I've kicked it off. At last...